There is a small gap on the morning of a wedding when everything has been arranged and nothing has started yet, and that is usually the moment somebody hands the groom a folded note. It does not need to be long — half a card is plenty — but it does need to sound like you rather than like the printed verse inside a shop-bought one. The same goes for everything else that gets written that day: the card from his parents, the line his oldest friend scrawls at the bottom of a joint one, the message that arrives at eleven at night when the room has finally emptied and neither of you can quite believe it happened. Below are finished words for each of those moments, kept in the register that actually travels in Britain — warm, slightly understated, no grand declarations that neither of you would say out loud sober. Take any of them exactly as they stand, or swap a single clause for something only the two of you would understand.
A note to him on the morning of the wedding
Someone is going to hand you this while you are still deciding what to do with your hands. Nothing has changed since last night, except that from this afternoon I stop having to explain who you are to me. See you at the front.
I have written and binned four of these. What survived is the plain version: I am not nervous, I am not having second thoughts, and I have never been more certain of anything. Eat something before the photographs.
Good morning. If you are reading this, the day has properly started and there is nothing left for either of us to organise. All you have to do is turn round when the music does. I will be the one at the other end of the aisle, grinning like an idiot.
You have spent months making sure today runs well for everybody else. Today you are allowed to stand there and enjoy it. I will handle the being nervous — I have had considerably more practice.
By the time this reaches you I will be halfway through having my hair done and wishing you were the one telling me it looks fine. A few hours. Then the rest of it. Thank you for asking me in the first place.
No speeches here, they come later. Just this: of all the ordinary mornings we have had, this is the one I have looked forward to most, and it still feels like an ordinary morning with you. Which is exactly why I said yes.
A short list for today, in order. Breathe. Straighten your tie. Do not lock your knees while you are waiting. And remember that every single person in that room is on our side. I am not going to cry. Probably.
Short lines that always work in a wedding card
Congratulations to you both. A wonderful day, and an even better start.
Wishing you every happiness today, and a great deal of ordinary contentment afterwards.
To the groom on his wedding day — a fine choice, extremely well made.
Have a marvellous day, and do remember to eat something. All our very best to the pair of you.
So pleased for you both. Here is to a long, happy and mostly quiet life together.
To a man who has finally done something sensible. Much love to you both.
Wishing you the sort of marriage other people quietly envy. Enjoy every minute of today.
All our love on your wedding day. Save us a dance and a decent slice of cake.
Many happy returns of this date for years to come — the anniversaries are the easy part.
Delighted for you both. Have a splendid day, and try to remember some of it.
From the bride — for the card he keeps
I have never been much good at saying this sort of thing to your face, so it is going in writing where you cannot interrupt. You are the kindest person I know and you have no idea that you are. I am proud to be marrying you today, and I intend to keep saying so long after the flowers have gone over.
Whatever happens with the timings, the weather and your uncle at the bar, the important part of today takes about four minutes and neither of us can get it wrong. Everything after that is a party. Thank you for making the last few years feel this straightforward.
You once told me you were not romantic. You have since driven three hours to collect me from a station in the rain, learned to make the one meal I will eat when I am ill, and asked my father in a pub car park because you could not wait until the meal was over. I would call that a decent effort.
Today I get to say out loud something I have thought quietly for years: my life is funnier, better organised and considerably warmer with you in it. I am not expecting perfection from either of us. I am expecting this — the two of us, sorting it out as we go.
Marrying you is the least surprising decision I have ever taken and easily the best. I did not fall for anything dramatic. I fell for the fact that you always check I have got home, and that you have never once made me feel like an inconvenience.
I know you will read this in a room full of men adjusting their cuffs, so I will keep it dry. You are the best thing that has happened to me, I am very much looking forward to this afternoon, and if you set me off before the photographs I shall never forgive you.
From his mum, his dad and the rest of the family
We have watched you grow into someone thoughtful, steady and quietly funny, and today we get to watch somebody else notice it too. We could not be more pleased for you both. All our love on your wedding day.
Ever since you were small you have looked after the people around you without being asked. Today you take that on properly, and we know you will make a good job of it. Our love to you both, and to the family you are joining.
Your father and I are enormously proud of you. We are also aware that saying so tends to make you leave the room, so we have written it down instead. Have a wonderful day, and know that we think you have chosen extremely well.
Welcome to the son-in-law we would have picked ourselves, had anyone thought to ask us. Look after each other, have your arguments in the kitchen rather than in the car, and come for lunch far more often than you think you should.
Big brother, congratulations. You have spent years telling me how to do things properly, so allow me to return the favour once: enjoy today, do not spend it checking on everybody else, and let someone else carry the chairs.
This comes with more love than the card has room for. Marriage is mostly small kindnesses done on days when you do not feel like doing them, and you have always been good at those. Be happy, the pair of you.
From his friends — for the card that gets read out
Congratulations. Speaking on behalf of everyone who has known you since school, we would like it noted that we always said you would turn out fine once somebody sensible got involved.
We have studied the seating plan and can confirm you have put all of us on the same table, which suggests either enormous confidence or a serious lapse of judgement. Have a brilliant day. We will behave until the speeches.
To the groom: you are getting married, which means you are now the responsible one at these things. We accept the loss with dignity. All the very best to you both, and we mean that entirely.
It is a good day when your oldest friend marries somebody the whole lot of us actually like. Rare, in fact. Wishing you a long and gloriously boring life together, with just enough chaos to keep the stories coming.
Best wishes on your wedding day from all of us. We would write something moving, but you would only mock it for the next decade. So: well chosen, well done, and mine is a pint.
You have been talking about today for the best part of a year, and it turns out you were right to. She is the making of you. Congratulations to you both, and thank you for a cracking excuse to get everyone in one room.
A line or two for the speech
I want to say one thing about the groom before the afternoon gets away from us. He is the friend who turns up. Not the one who offers to — the one who is already on your doorstep with a van. If you are lucky you get one of those in a lifetime. Please raise your glasses to him.
Standing here, what strikes me is how little either of them has had to pretend today. What you have all seen this afternoon is precisely what the rest of us get on an ordinary Tuesday. To the bride and groom.
I have been asked to keep this short, which for me is something of a first. So, briefly: he is a good man, he knows exactly how lucky he is, and he has spent the past year proving it to everyone in this room. To the happy couple.
Two things about my brother. He has never once let me down, and he has never once mentioned it. That is a rare way to be, and it is the reason we are all so pleased for the pair of them. Please charge your glasses.
When somebody marries into a family, everyone says welcome. In this case we mean it, and we have the group messages to prove it. To both of you — health, patience, and a house that is never quite finished.
I shall be brief, because the meal is going cold and my notes are on the back of an order of service. My son has grown into a man I would want on my side of any argument. To the bride and groom.
A message later that day, and the morning after
Whatever else today was, it was ours. I have not stopped smiling and my feet have not forgiven me. Thank you for every part of it, particularly the bit where you forgot the second half of your vows.
Everyone has gone home, the room is a wreck, and I would do the whole thing again tomorrow. Goodnight, husband. That is going to take some getting used to, and I intend to enjoy the practice.
Quick one before this phone dies. You were wonderful today. Calm when I was not, funny when it was needed, and unreasonably handsome throughout. See you at breakfast.
Thank you for today — for the speech, for the dancing you insist you cannot do, and for the ten minutes outside when it was just the two of us. That was my favourite part, and nobody photographed it.
Morning. Same house, same terrible tea, an entirely different feeling. I keep catching sight of the ring and grinning at nothing in particular. Best day of my life, and the ordinary one after it is not bad either.
It is late, half your family is asleep in the lounge, and I have just realised I did not eat any of the cake. Worth it. Thank you for marrying me, and many happy returns of today, every year from here.
Questions and answers
The two of you are getting ready in different places. How does a note actually reach him?
It needs a named carrier rather than a good intention. Notes tucked into a suit bag, propped on a mantelpiece or handed to the best man three days early have a habit of surfacing on the honeymoon. Choose one person who is definitely crossing between the two parties — his mother, a brother, whoever is delivering the buttonholes — give it to them the day before, and tell them plainly who it goes to. Write the same instruction on the envelope, because nobody remembers a verbal one on the day itself. And if you are not seeing each other before the ceremony, say so in the opening line: otherwise he spends the first paragraph wondering whether you are about to walk in.
How do you address a wedding card if they are not both changing their names?
Use the names they actually use. Mr and Mrs followed by his full name still turns up on cards from an older generation and nobody takes offence at it, but it assumes a change that plenty of couples do not make. The straightforward modern form is both first names in either order, or both full names on separate lines. If one of them is keeping their surname, that is not a delicate problem to be worked around: write both surnames and it reads as entirely normal, because it is. For a card going to the groom alone, his first name on its own is fine — the envelope does not have to carry the marriage at all.
He is not one for sentiment. Does a heartfelt note put him on the spot?
It puts him on the spot only if it asks for something back. A note that says here is what I think of you, no reply required, is easy to receive even for a man who would rather not discuss it. Two things help. Keep the emotional part to one or two sentences and let something ordinary carry the rest — the tie, the breakfast, the uncle already at the bar. And close on a practical line rather than a question. People who deflect are not refusing the sentiment; they are declining to perform a response in front of a room full of relatives, which is fair enough.
We are the bride’s friends and hardly know him. What do we write to the groom himself?
Write about what you have seen rather than what you know. You can say honestly that she has been happier, or steadier, or more herself than she has been in years, and that the whole group has noticed — that is a real observation and it belongs to him. Avoid the two easy traps: the joke about him being brave, which lands badly from near-strangers, and the promise that you will be keeping an eye on him, which is only funny coming from family. One warm, specific line and a genuine welcome is plenty. They will read a great many cards this week, and the specific ones are the ones that get kept.
It is a second wedding and there are children in the family. What changes in the wording?
Less than people expect, and the change is mostly about what you leave out. Nothing about starting again, nothing about it being different this time, and no reference to what came before, however kindly meant. Treat it as the wedding it is. Where children are involved, name them if they are part of the day — a line addressed to the whole household reads far better than one that quietly steps around half of it. And if you are writing to the groom and the children become his today, say plainly that they are lucky to have him. That is usually the sentence the family keeps.